Escaping the drama triangle: What your favourite reality show can teach us about why we’re drawn to life in The Drama Triangle (and how to shift into thrive)

If you’ve ever found yourself yelling “why are you doing that?” at the screen while watching Love Is Blind or MAFS (my guilty pleasures #sorrynotsorry), you already know how magnetic drama can be.

We love it when other people spiral through chaos.

But the truth is, we’re often playing out the same patterns ourselves - just with fewer production lights and more emotional hangovers. Here's why the Drama Triangle is so enticing.

This pull toward drama isn’t random. It’s something psychologist Dr Stephen Karpman mapped out back in the 1960s when he created the Drama Triangle – a deceptively simple way to understand the unhelpful dynamics that keep us stuck in conflict, exhaustion and emotional reactivity.

And while most of us would never choose to live in a reality show, many of us (especially those of us with AuDHD brains) unconsciously replay those same roles - Victim, Rescuer, and Persecutor - in our relationships, work, or even our inner dialogue.

The good news is there’s also a way out, thanks to David Emerald’s evolution of the Thrive (or Empowerment )Triangle model. But before we get there, let’s peek behind the scenes of our own inner reality show.

What is the drama triangle?

Karpman’s triangle describes three interconnected roles we unconsciously move between when we’re stuck in emotional reactivity or power imbalance. They are defined as:

• Victim – feels powerless, trapped, hard done by or overwhelmed. You might think, “Why does this always happen to me?” or “It’s not fair.” It's a role of feeling helpless, powerless, and that the things happening to you are beyond your control.

  
  

• Rescuer – swoops in to fix, soothe or save others, often to avoid their own discomfort. Your inner voice might say “I can help” or “If I don’t, no one will.” This is the energy of always putting others first, but not feeling like you can ask for help yourself.

  
  

• Persecutor – criticises, blames or controls to feel safe or right. This voice might sound like “It’s your fault” or “I told you so.” This is the energy of zero tolerance or accountability, it's always others who are at fault and believing your view/way/opinion is the only one that matters

  
  

We all play every role at different times, sometimes all three in one afternoon! The triangle spins fast. You might start out helping someone (Rescuer), feel unappreciated (Victim), and end up snapping at them (Persecutor) all in one interaction. Cue dramatic music, drink throwing and floods of tears.

Why drama feels so familiar (especially for AuDHD people)

For many late-diagnosed AuDHD folk, the drama triangle can feel like home turf. Not because we enjoy chaos, but because it mimics the nervous system rollercoaster we know so well.

• Rejection sensitivity can make Victim energy flare up in seconds - feeling criticised, judged, rejected can all be triggers for seeing the world as a hostile, unsafe place and feed into old stories about how no one will ever accept you...Ever.
  

• Masking and people-pleasing often push us into Rescuer mode, over-giving to earn belonging. Seeking the feeling of safety can look like avoiding conflict and abandoning ourselves by putting the comfort of others first and ignoring or dismissing our own needs.
  

• And when we’re flooded or exhausted, defensiveness or blunt truth-telling can slide into Persecutor energy. For a nervous system that can get stuck in fight/flight very easily, every interaction can feel like we need to protect ourselves by lashing out, striking the first blow, keeping people at arms length whilst we sit in the righteous judgement of our ivory tower
  

There’s also dopamine to consider. Drama, like a reality show cliffhanger, can feel alive and oh so interesting. The spikes of emotional intensity keep our brains buzzing, even when it costs us peace.

For neurodivergent nervous systems that swing between hyperfocus and shutdown, those bursts of energy can feel regulating in the moment, even if they drain us long-term.

Drama with ourselves

We don’t even need another person to play out the triangle with. You might notice a Victim voice inside saying, “I’ll never get it right,” while another part rushes to rescue, “Don’t worry, we’ll fix it!” Then a third part joins in: “You should have done better.”

All happening quietly within the same mind, all at once - exhausting and confusing.

Common triggers into drama include:

• Feeling unseen, criticised or misunderstood

• Overwhelm and sensory overload

• Fear of rejection or abandonment

• Feeling trapped or unable to meet expectations (your own or others’)

When we’re dysregulated, the drama triangle becomes a self-soothing mechanism - a way to discharge energy or reclaim a sense of control. Over time, drama can become so familiar to us that we end up seeking it out and accepting others' invitations to join them in drama, even though we know it's not what we really want for ourselves.

The thrive triangle: a healthier energy map

David Emerald’s The Empowerment Dynamic reimagines the same three points in a way that restores agency and connection. Each drama role has a healthy mirror:

• Victim → Vulnerable – owning our feelings without collapsing into them. We ask, “What’s real here?” or “What do I need right now?” Exchanging feeling like a victim for leaning into vulnerability opens up opportunities to connect with ourselves and others as well as taking back some responsibility, agency and control
  

• Rescuer → Coach – supporting without fixing, trusting others to find their own answers. We ask, “What’s possible?”. Coaching is about supporting others to find their own answers rather than doing the hard work for them - a much more empowering and rewarding dynamic to be in.
  

• Persecutor → Challenger – offering truth and boundaries with respect, not control. We ask, “What needs to change?” It's possible to shake up the status quo and speak up for what you believe in without the black/white positioning of "I'm right, you're wrong" and be open to a different way of thinking beyond the binary.
  

The shift isn’t about being saintly. It’s about moving from unconscious reaction to conscious choice.

From drama’s frantic “someone do something!” energy to thrive’s grounded “let’s see what’s needed here” energy.

Shadows and shifts

The drama and thrive triangles are shadow reflections of each other. One is reactive, the other responsive. But they’re both part of being human. We can’t stay in Thrive all the time – and trying to will only add more pressure.

The win is in the noticing. When we catch ourselves scripting another inner episode of Sadie’s Life: Season 4, The Meltdown - that’s not failure. It’s awareness. From there, we can breathe, regulate, and choose differently.

Reflection prompts

How then to spend less time in Drama and more time feeling like we can Thrive? The following prompts will help you notice, name and bring some compassionate curiosity (rather than judgment) to where you are in the Drama/Thrive triangle map. You might like to journal or simply reflect on these:

1. Which role do you most recognise when you’re stressed – Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor?

2. What does that role give you (comfort, safety, control, belonging)?

3. What sensations or situations tend to trigger that role?

4. What would it look like to shift into Vulnerable, Coach or Challenger instead?

5. How can you support your nervous system to make that shift easier next time?

Small awarenesses like these gently reroute energy from drama to self-connection. Over time, that’s how the inner cast learns new scripts.

Closing thoughts

Drama isn’t the enemy. It’s information. It shows us where something in us is calling for attention, care, or boundaries. And sometimes, a bit of drama is what shakes loose the insight we’ve been avoiding.

The trick is to keep your seat in the director’s chair. Watch the episodes, learn from them, and when you’re ready, choose a different storyline.

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Based on the Drama Triangle by Dr Stephen Karpman (1968) and The Empowerment Dynamic by David Emerald (2005).